By Ai Cahyati

1. Take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour.

Take time to think before you speak or act, and admit it if you make a mistake. Don’t blame your partner.

2. Be honest about yourself and what you have done, and let others do the same. Sharing honest thoughts and feelings is difficult, but it’s key to fighting fair in marriage.

3. Say, “I feel sad, angry, hurt, etc.” Don’t say, “It feels like…” Own your feelings, rather than trying to shift blame or guilt onto others for the feelings they trigger.

4. Never interpret yourself or someone else. It’s easier to keep communication open if you let people ask questions. Similarly, ask questions when you don’t understand — don’t try to guess what your partner thinks. When in doubt, ask for clarification. This isn’t just a tip for fighting fair in marriage, it works in all aspects of life!

5. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.  Your feelings come from within ourselves, not from other people. When we attribute your feelings to other people, you lose our right to own them.

6. No name-calling.  Calling names reflects our frustration in feeling misunderstood and serves only to make the other person defensive. When conversations turn to this, no one wins – and it doesn’t help you fight fair in marriage!

7. Don’t bring up issues from the past. When you bring up old hurts or disappointments, it can be overwhelming and distracting. Piling on old issues only increases frustration and decreases hope.

8. Do not hit, scream, spit, throw or abuse in any way.  There is no benefit to any conversation that has deteriorated to this level.  To fight fair in marriage, stay in touch with yourself and your feelings. Learn to recognize when your patience ends and anger builds. 

9. Don’t badmouth your partner to your children or anyone else.  We all need outlets to vent our frustrations – but filling a friend, child or relative’s ear with criticisms benefits no one. It is not fair to burden a child with adult issues that they have no control over. If you can’t resolve conflicts, consider professional help to build a better marriage or explore the wide variety of self-help books that may assist you both. 

10. Recognize your limits. If you feel yourself losing it, call a time-out.  This is an important tip for fighting fair in marriage — and it needs to be accepted before discussions begin. It is amazing how a 5-minute break can diffuse a heated conversation! It’s also important to recognize that your limit is likely to be different than your partner’s.

11. Remember to breathe and stay calm.  This seems like such a simple tip for fighting fair in marriage, but breathing works wonders! When concentrating, most people tend to hold their breath. This forces the body to move into a survivor mode, which decreases the ability to listen.  By focusing on our breath, we can maintain a calm and detached discussion that increases the likelihood of both partners feeling honored, cherished and understood.